At the age of 24 I found myself lost and alone without the will to live. Life as I was experiencing it felt utterly pointless and meaningless.
Three years previously I had woken up in New York to 9/11. This time a different type of devastation had hit my life.
Addiction had taken a firm grip on me exposing a hole in my soul so deep and terrifying that I didn’t know if I could survive facing it.
I had started early with sugar and later moved onto ‘bigger and better’ substances to fight my demons.
I was abusing, rejection and punishing myself in too many ways to mention, hell bent on self-destruction. Not only was I slowly and painfully killing myself but dragging my family down with me too.
I operated from a core belief of “I am not good enough, I am not worth it”. Every decision I made, every path I chose fed this belief, reaffirming its truth in my life.
That morning I asked for help, I chose life. I entered rehab for 9 months. This is where my journey of recovery started.
Addiction is a jail, a self imposed prison that robbed me of my dignity, relationships and self-esteem, slowly, step by step I had to rebuild a life I had lost at a young age. I had to start looking at myself in the mirror and acknowledging the pain, hurt and disrespect I had imposed on others and myself. I had to start believing in myself, I had to start acknowledging that it was “my light, not my darkness that most frightened’ me.
I was petrified of being successful, beautiful and taking responsibility for my talents. I had to grow up. Merely surviving was no longer serving me.
In recovery I have learnt about relationships and love. I have learnt that the greatest love I can have is for myself because until I can start loving and accepting myself as I am, I would not be able to truly love and accept others.
The process felt slow and at times I didn’t know if I would survive it. I didn’t know if I could stand another day of facing myself head on, of embracing my defects of characters as well as my positive attributes. I didn’t know if I could heal the damage I had inflicted on others. I had to trust.
I did survive it; I survived something that was meant to kill me and in the process discovered a life filled with abundance and magnificence. I am learning what it means to stand in my power and not shy away from my light.
Exposing myself is hard, I struggle to trust. Vulnerability sucks but I’ve got to push myself to expand my vision, my playing small does not serve the world.
Today I choose to operate from a different operating system, one with a core belief that is authentic and true: “I am good enough, I am worthwhile”.
It’s been a tough road but I’ve learnt that it’s often through the darkest times that we grow the most.
May your journey be blessed.
“The Sugar Free Revolution was started to expose the addictive and toxic properties of refined and processed sugar and carbohydrates in our diets, and help people just like you to break their addiction, lose weight, and feel incredible again!”
– Karen Thomson, Founder of The Sugar Free Revolution